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> like whites tamed cats
How to give a cat a pill.
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in to mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process outlined above.
3. Throw away soggy pill and retrieve cat from bedroom.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold cat’s mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Have spouse hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while putting wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat.
7. Take new pill from foil wrap. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for later gluing.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and have spouse lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take taste away. Apply sticky-plaster to spouse’s forearm and use soap and cold water to remove blood from carpet.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and push door onto cat’s neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert-spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from toolbox and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour Scotch and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek as disinfectant. Drink another Scotch. Throw away blood-stained t-shirt and fetch another from bedroom.
12. Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence after swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little
**’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining-room table. Bring heavy-duty gardening gloves from shed. Push pill into cat’s mouth followed by large piece of steak. Hold cat vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Have spouse drive you to A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill fragments from right eye. On way home, call at furniture shop and buy new table.
15. Arrange for Cats Protection to collect mutant ninja cat from hell. Call local pet shop to enquire about hamsters.